Questions Without The Answer
by despairing.soul
Summary: Light is haunted by his own doubts and confusion which awake in the dark of the night. All his questions always find the same replies. It's a peculiar ritual between him and the detective. However, this time he decides to reveal to L all the thoughts that keep him awake for long hours. Will he finally find the answers he's constantly looking for...? T for really slight yaoi


**Author's Note: Recently I have discovered that the best inspiration comes to me around 2 a.m. So now whenever my insomnia strikes, I just take my cell and start writing. This short fic is the result of my last night's sleeplessness. It's kinda sad, though.**

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><p>And every day the same pattern happens. It's fine during the day when we work because then I don't have much time to think about it. However, it changes when we come back to our flat on the last floor of the headquarters after working and lie down on the bed. The only noise is given by the rattling chain then. Beside that, the silence is absolute. I turn on my left side and close my eyes pretending to have fallen asleep. But I know that I won't sail away in a long time yet.<p>

He doesn't sleep either. No wonder he's an insomniac if he eats so much sugar during the day. And he knows that I am still awake too.

Our little night ritual comes to life yet another time.

'Ryuuzaki… I have a question to you…' I mumble feeling that this time is somehow different than the countless nights we spent in this bed before.

'Feel free to ask, Raito-kun' L answers in his deep monotone from behind my back typing on his laptop.

'What would happen… if you proved me guilty in the end?' I ask my routine question squeezing my fist on the pillow.

'I suppose Raito-kun knows the answer' the detective says without any emotion in his voice. 'There is no mercy for a mass-murderer.'

'Would it be quick…? Or rather long and painful?' I ask though I know exactly how he will reply for that.

'I don't know, Raito-kun. It wouldn't depend on my decision.' He mutters eating gummy bears like always before falling asleep.

'Do you really think that I am Kira?' I continue through the squeezed throat. I feel the great anxiety every time I ask this question.

'Yes.' The quick respond comes. 'However, Raito-kun now has no memory of that. He made himself forget.' L murmurs sucking his thumb.

'Would you sentence your only friend to death?' I mumble playing with the cuff around my wrist.

'If I had to. Justice is beyond everything. My personal feelings doesn't matter in this field.' I hear his low baritone behind my back and it sends me chills down my spine.

'Wouldn't you feel sorry at all…?' I whisper. I ask this question for the very first time and which certainly surprises him.

'As I said before, it doesn't matter.' Ryuuzaki mutters quietly. I can feel his eyes stabbed to my back like two needles. 'However, answer to this question is yes. I would feel sorry. A lot.'

I widen my eyes hearing that. I assumed he would reply that he wouldn't care.

'Can I be the one who asks now?' He mumbles in my ear. I shiver rather visibly feeling his breath. I nod, not able to answer vocally. 'Why do you always ask me these questions, Raito-kun?'

I hesitate because actually I am not sure how to answer. I don't want Ryuuzaki to start suspecting me even more than he already does. However, I decide to finally tell him because it's already too difficult to remain all alone with these thoughts.

'Sometimes I get the feeling that you might be right, Ryuuzaki' I whisper pulling legs to my chest.

'What does Raito-kun mean?' He asks and stops typing on the keyboard. I know that now I have all his attention.

'You say that I lost my memories of being Kira. The fact is that I have some lapses of memory… which makes me truly confused' I admit and swallow hardly. 'And sometimes I catch myself on thoughts that I _agree_ with some of Kira's philosophy…' I know that I am on the thin ice right now but I just cannot shut my mouth and muffle the words that come out.

L remains silent which makes me feel even worse than I already have.

'I-I am afraid, L' I whisper. 'I am afraid that you might be right. That the monster can awaken some day in me again. But… I am not a killer!' I lose my composure. The tears start rolling down my cheeks. I don't care anymore what he could think about me. I am too upset to do so.

'Raito-kun…' he murmurs leaning closer to me and touching my arm lightly. 'Right now you are only the lost teen who has nothing of a killer in himself.' He whispers in my ear. 'I do not wish for you to be Kira, Light' he says. 'This one exceptional time I would love to be wrong. I don't want to lose you…' I hold my breath feeling his arm flinging over my waist and pulling me closer to him. I don't protest. Right now I need comforting more than anything else.

I shiver feeling his mouth brushing the back of my neck.

'Don't cry, Raito-kun' he whispers in a soothing tone. I quickly wipe off all the salty drops feeling awfully stupid. 'As long as you're innocent, nothing threatens you. I won't let anybody hurt my only friend…'

I swallow the bitterness I feel in my mouth and close my eyes. This is the point. _Am I innocent_…? Do I _deserve_ Ryuuzaki's friendship…?

I wish I did because all I can think of now is how wonderful it is to be in his arms.

I relax and feel that I slowly fall asleep. L mumbles something quietly again but I cannot understand him anymore. The warmth of his body clung to my back lulls me to sleep.

But.

I have a nightmare about garroting Ryuuzaki to death. And I laugh while murdering him.

When I wake up I notice the tears on my cheeks and the wet pillow.

Now I have my answer. I don't deserve his friendship at all.


End file.
